Death! Its a funny word, isn’t it? Not hahaha funny. More like weird funny. Its funny how unfunny it is! Its a small word, 5 letters. And it means so much.
I don’t think I’ve ever truly appreciated the depth of what it means. Death has so much significance in life. In everyone’s life. You hear of death everyday. In newspapers, in videos, in social media, from friends, from relatives and ….you personally face it sometimes.
I’ve read about it a lot. I’ve heard about deaths from relatives. All second hand. I thought I knew what it felt like. Losing someone is never easy but time healed everything. At least, that’s what I’ve always thought. I thought knowing someone was about to die, expecting it, made it easier to accept.
Boy, was I wrong! As I sit writing this, my grandfather is lying on a bed thousands of miles away. He’s old. Very old. Every time I visited him, people told me it might be the last time. It didn’t seem real though. Even as I saw him grow frailer, every year, he was there. I knew, logically, that his time would end sometime. But it seemed a thing of the future. Something I would have to face eventually and I thought I’d be ready to face it when that happened. And the future came. But I’m not ready.
I can’t grasp the concept. I’ve known for years this time was coming. Now, that I hear that he’s stopped eating, he’s barely conscious and his pulse rate is slowing, I don’t know how to process it. My mind knows it but I can’t accept it. I know he’s lived a full life. I know he’s seen four generations. I know he’s ready. I’m not. I am not close to him. I respect him immensely, but I’ve never been emotionally close to him. But….knowing that I’ll go into his room and he might not be there; knowing he might not bless me again, its horrible.
I don’t know how to accept it. Rather, my mind has. But my heart cannot. I’ve never faced death so near me and even though it hasn’t happened yet, somehow its worse knowing that its inevitable. Its like waiting for it to happen, knowing there is nothing I can do. Nothing anyone can do. I feel restless, anxious and on edge. I’m not anyone near him but….it feels like I’m there, with him.
I’m still fighting with myself. Fighting tears. He’s with us but feels like he’s gone. When everyone is talking about it like its a certain event. I think about it happening and its a dreadful jolt every time. They say death has a way of putting things into perspective. I hope that perspective involves acceptance. I’m still waiting for the acceptance to settle in. For the restless to fade….For the strength to get through it….For the reality to set in……